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"I am so mad at you, Mommy!"
I know that I am blessed. I am fortunate to be an at-home-mother in a beautiful home with a loving husband and two healthy and engaging daughter's. Life is wonderful, but it's not perfect. Like all mothers, I'm in the trenches, flying by the seat of my pants, and generally doing the best I can to raise my children to adulthood in one piece and equipped with all that they need to be active and compassionate people of the world. In one area, however, I am seriously beginning to doubt my competence for this job.
My daughters, Mary (6) and Brooke (4) are compassionate, intelligent and out-going. They are also plagued by a larger than life dose of the willfulness gene. Their determination is so intense as of late, that I find myself engaged daily in a battle of the wills with each of them; and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm losing and not by a small margin.
My oldest, the great six year-old negotiator, has more staying power in an argument for something she really wants than an elite runner running a 5-minute mile at the end of the Boston marathon. If Mary decides that for her 3pm snack she'd like Nilla Wafers at 1pm, she will ask politely once (I am confident the first attempt is to see if she can simply trick me into the 2 hour bump up). When that doesn't work, she begins to follow me around as I try to go about my business, pleading her case in an almost intolerable whine until her pleas become like nails on a chalkboard to my ears. I send her to her room for not following the rules. She whines louder, I close her door, she sobs. Finally, I yell something about respect and my being the boss. I also throw in something else about no snacks anymore, not any, not ever. The inevitable Mommy Guilt settles in within minutes and after a hug and an "I'm sorry I lost my temper", Mary happily chomps Nilla Wafers at the table by 1:45pm as I look on, scratching my head and wondering what just happened. Score 1 for Mary, 0 for Mommy.
Brooke, my youngest and by far, the more temperamental of the two, skips the polite request and goes straight to dishing out her demands. If I dare to try a distraction, she says "no" and defies, for the sake of saying "no" and defying. Recently, after I had to say no to a play date request, I tried, "Brooke, would you like to go to McDonald's for ice cream?". Back came a sharp, and clearly not thought out, "NO!" She also goes straight for the jugular when she doesn't get what she wants and we're nearing the end of our battle, she empties her arsenal with a "Mommy, you're not my friend anymore", or "Mommy I am so mad at you!"
I am beginning to wonder if I am doing something wrong. Should I be tougher on them or more lenient? Am I being inconsistent or am I much too predictable? The only thing that I am sure of is that the pendulum of power in my house is definitely swinging, and it's not in my favor. There is power in numbers and I am becoming battle weary. Until I learn how to reign in the two Little Generals, I suppose I'll have to stock up on Nilla Wafers while I hit the Parenting shelf at the library. Until then - does anyone out here have any advice???
Comments
Your daughters sound delightful (except for the willful part). My only advice, which sounds obvious, and I'm sure you are trying, is NEVER to give in, not even once when it's convenient or you doubt your resolve, to whiny demands. ALWAYS the rule is the rule, and you be the calm and reasonable one. If the Nilla Wafers happens at 1:45 after a fit, then you have effectively taught her to throw the fit to get them. (Sorry mom.) Kids are smart, and smart ones are even smarter: if demanding behavior works (even once--ESPECIALLY only once, or occasionally), you are encouraging the behavior.
As long as you stay loving and calm, and unprovoked, open to reasonable discourse, "Oh dear, I'm so sorry you feel so mad at me." Happily bring out your arsenal of distractions, or ignore the fit. Don't appear hurt by her arsenal. You can appear disappointed in her bad behavior, though. You don't have to ignore her, just ignore the fit. Offer her carrots or milk instead of cookies if you think she may really need some food. You can be flexible and reasonable, but NEVER reactive to the demands.
Luckily, I taught school before having my kids, and I learned a lot about behavior management. Dealing with a roomful of middleschoolers with their arsenal of demands and distractions all at once is a hundredfold more challenging than a couple preschoolers. I wish everyone could go through that experience FIRST, then a few children that parents know well and are around most of the time would be tons easier. Some tricks of the trade come naturally after having been assaulted by the best arsenals over and over.
Ann LaForge's book in the library on Tantrums may help. She emphasizes that lots of kids are inherently the willful type, and suggests ways to address them specifically. Some kids DEFINITELY are a different breed and require more work at countering their willfulness. So it's not necessarily you. But your consistency is definitely a must.
That's my two cents for what it's worth. Good luck, mom. I think you're wise to look for ways to nip this battle in the bud now, and not ignore it.
I'm sure you're a wonderful mother, but kids go through some frustrating stages that really challenge our confidence, don't they? That's the biggest thing I can offer you, regaining your confidence! Children do best when they are led by someone who seems to know exactly what's what. (So pretend you know exactly what you're doing, even if you don't!) I agree that you can't give in to tanntrums, and you really have to learn to turn a deaf ear to the "I don't love you, you don't love me, I'm mad at you" nonsense. It's simply a child's way of expressing their dissatisfaction that they're not getting exactly what they want. and 9 times out of 10 it means you've made a right decision! And NEVER argue with a child-you're never going to convince a child to accept a decision they don't like. You must learn to whistle and go on your way, and stop the futile attempts of trying to reason with them. Once you have stated your answer/reason, move on and refuse to keep it going. I also love Rosemond's suggestion of telling the kids "the doctor says you're whining (insert any other undesireable behavior here) because you're not getting enough sleep. You'll go to bed an hour early every night that we see this behavior". Hang in there and try to develop a sense of humor in dealing with your kids. And try as hard as you can to have other things to foucus on during the day besides every mood and inclination of your kids! And last of all, put them to work with some chores and such-keeping them busy may help! And a good book I highly recommend is Kevin Leman's "Have a new kid by Friday" Good stuff!